We're taking a look at (and ranking) the celebrities that Louisville's Derby parties are serving up this year. Check back as we'll update it when new celebs are announced.
- Jay Leno—Late-night comedian beats weak competition by a chin.
- Jonas Brothers—You gotta root for the geldings. They have 2.5 million Twitter followers, which means they're a big deal. Especially to your little sister.
- Sasha Grey - She was Vince's girlfriend on HBO's Entourage. I wish she'd be my girlfriend for Derby.
- Tracy Morgan—He’s
an actoron 30 Rock. He canceled his visit because of personal circumstances.
- Miranda Lambert—Country music fans will know the 2011 Grammy winner without a doubt.
- Marissa Miller—Best known for being a Victoria's Secret Angel and appearing in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, the official resource of the Inernet, Wikipedia, says she’s a sex symbol. She’s visiting with Erin Andrews and Niki Taylor, so that makes a pretty good threesome to pal around with under the Twin Spires.
- Terry Bradshaw—Amazing QB, TV analyst and music man, Terry remains the life of any party he’s attending. Also good to include in any threesome under the Twin Spires.
- Erin Andrews—2007 and 2008, she was voted America's Sexiest Sportscaster by Playboy magazine, narrowly besting NBC's Tom Hammond.
- Tom Brady—Once again, Touchdown Tom will be without his supermodel wife. How he manages to get a hall pass for Derby every year is a mystery.
- Martha Stewart - She was once recognized for her ability to make stock trades, and now she's under pressure to make some horse picks. Oh, and she could make a better Derby Pie than you.
- Bob Costas—He’s been the voice of the Olympics and just about any other big-time sporting event, including the Kentucky Derby. Rumors that the 5' 7" Cosats will ride Uncle Mo this year are running rampant.
- Kate Gosselin—The hero of white trash America should have 'em swooning in the infield. Just some advice, Kate, don’t being the rug rats. Derby isn’t known for role model behavior (not that you've ever tried to be one).
- John Calipari—For once in his career, allegations of cheating only will involve horses and crooked trainers. So enjoy the day off, coach, even if you’re spending it in the enemy’s city.
- Kia Hampton—Miss Kentucky 2011. If you see her, chances are that she will be looking very purty.
- Guy Fieri—The Food Network cheff and NBC MC always wears white spiked hair, a bike lock around his neck and a thingamajig on his wrist. This guy has no sense of style, but neither do most other people at Derby.
- Aaron Rodgers—Superbowl MVP of the Green Bay Packers, Rodgers has had one hell of a year. We hope his day at Churchill goes just as well.
- Paul Haggis—Haggis wrote the 2006 movie Crash, which later won the Oscar for Best Picture. Sounds smart.
- Jennifer Tilly—Let’s see if she’s as good a handicapper as she is an actress and poker player.
- John Wall - He's a extrmemely gifted basketball prodigy who used his inherent talents to make millions before he turned 21. If you see him drinkning a cocktail, keep it on the low.
- Wynonna Judd— She's done so much for the Bluegrass State by using her many talents. Welcome home Wynonna- Ashley would've scored higher.
- Betsey Johnson—Is an American fashion designer best known for her feminine and whimsical designs. If you see her, ask her what she thinks about your Derby hat.
- Vanessa Minnillo—Nick Lachey’s girl can't be dumber than his ex.
- Nick Lachey—Married Stoopid but had the smarts to divorce it.
- Fred Thompson—Has a history of arriving too late for the party.
- Kix Brooks—Of Brooks and Dunn, shares a name with our editor's favorite childhood cereal.
- Maria Menounos—Looks great in white linen pants.
- Chili from the pop group TLC—No scrubs for her...she knows hip-hop and was most recently seen in the VH1 reality show “What Chili Wants.”
- Nole Marin—If you see him, ask this judge on America’s Top Model, whether or not your Derby tie sucks.
- Larry Birkhead—The fact that Anna Nicole's baby daddy ain't dead last on this list speaks volumes about Derby celebs.
- Denyse Lawton—At an event like Derby, where gorgeous women are everywhere, she could very well be the most beautiful filly at the track this year.
- Joey Fatone—It's possible he's still hanging around from last year's Derby, likely the last time he was given celeb status.
- DeMarcus Cousins—
“Boogie” Cousins played center for the Kentucky Wildcats.
Bobby Knight says he never went to class. Clark Kellog says he should’ve been thrown out of the Louisville game last year for a flagrant elbow. He’s a really good basketball player. And really tall. He will probably be wearing a headband. He now plays in Sac-Town for the Kings. You’ll see him at the Barnstable Brown party and Ferdinand’s Ball.
- Your mom—She'll be hanging out on the backside, behind the hole in barn 91.
- Partrick Patterson—Another Kentucky Wildcat to comes to the Kentucky Derby. Patterson graduated in three years, so he’s pretty smart.
- Matt Cassel—QB for the Kansas City Chiefs, a poor man's Brady.
- Kenneth "Baby Face" Edmonds—The Kenny G of R&B.
- Boys II Men—They’re back! This proves that there is no “End of the Road” link here.
- Raven Symmone—She’s from The Cosby Show. She’s all grown up now—and no longer famous.
- Chris Meloni—Oz watchers know what he's got in common with a horse.
- Nikki Taylor—Quitters never win, even if what they quit was The Celebrity Apprentice.
- Wes Welker—Best known for his ability to handle Tom Brady's balls.
- Kris Allen—American Idol 2009 winner, not that you remember (despite having spent hours texting on his behalf).
- Vince Wilfork— This Defensive lineman for the New England Patriots will most likely be Brady’s bodyguard at the infamous track.
- Bode Miller—Champion Olympic snow skier and known for partying the night away before big events. He’s going to love Derby since scattered snow showers have been known to occur at some Derby parties.
- Matt Battaglia—His website says he's an entertainment veteran. So's an old French. . . well, nevermind.
- Kerry Rhodes—A friend of Tom Brady’s who plays defense for Arizona; his job will be to intercept any Sardanapalian temptations headed Mr. Brady’s way.
- Freddie Jackson—Still looking for his lady after all these years.
- Travis Tritt—Once spent Derby sitting next to Dennis Hopper. So that’s pretty cool.
- Lee Ann Womack—Country music singers are almost as plentiful as New England Patriots.
- Montgomery Gentry—Try and get a peak at this country music duo's Derby picks, because after being nominated for so many music awards and not winning, it's past due for that winner.
- Hosea Chanchez—Might have ranked higher, but we grew tired of having to spellcheck his name. Her name. Who cares.
- Stephanie Jones—Try not to buy Kentucky Teen USA 2011 a mint julep.
- Mary Wilson—A former member of the famous R&B group The Supremes.
- Tom Jackson—Misspelled Louisville in a tweet about coming to Derby. From his twitter account, “Husband, Father, Bronco, ESPN, NFL, & MNF Correspondent, FROM . . . LOUSIVILLE”
- Aubrey O'Day—Has a new reality show, All About Aubrey, on Oxygen. Reality TV shows are not real TV shows and Oxygen is not a real TV network.
- Audrina Patridge—from MTV's The Hills and her new Audrina show on VH1. With TV credits like those, she'll be sure to be a Derby celeb sensaton for decades to come.
- Jordan Sparks—2007 American Idol winner. Remember her? We don't.
- Taylor Dane—While her face may be from this decade, her fame isn't.
- Aaron Kromer, offensive line coach for 2010 Super Bowl champs the New Orleans Saints
- Johnny Weir—Stood up our editor for a phone interview at last year's Derby. Twice. We expect better manners here in Louisville, Mr. Weir.
Photo: Chas Kuhn
