Sometime Friday, whether when the clock strikes midnight, the sun rises (or sets) or the winter solstice commences at 11:12 UTC (6:12 a.m. in Louisville), the world will either end in a deluge of fire, flood and famine, or it will undergo a cosmic ascension the likes of which haven’t been seen since the last time this happened. This is all according to a Mesoamerican civilization whose highly advanced mathematics and astronomy gave rise to a calendar that, when all the rings reset to zero, could predict how things would turn out… as noted in a book written in 2006. Whether you are seeking out the end like Jack Van Impe, or know better like NASA and Neil deGrasse Tyson, tomorrow is the perfect day to go out in style.
Let’s say that come Dec. 22, instead of shopping for last-minute Christmas gifts, you are now living in a “28 Months Later” world. Your first stop should be The Leatherhead on 1601 Bardstown Rd., where you can purchase motorcycle jackets, boots and leather chaps or pants (or both), just like Mel Gibson in “Mad Max.” Then, head over to Dixie Army Surplus on 9224 Dixie Highway – which will be emptier now that 80 percent of the world is dead; abandoned cars aside – to pick up some survival gear before heading off into that nuclear sunset on a motorcycle you picked up at Commonwealth Motorcycle in NuLu.
If the 21st brings not a gamma ray of extinction but a healing ray of hope, then you might want to opt for something that sings “let the sunshine in,” such as a floral print maxi dress, a chiffon mullet dress in bright colors and so on. General Eccentric (across from The Leatherhead) has plenty of options on hand. Should your tastes be more upscale, Sassy Fox Upscale Consignment might have what you need, while vintage fans have Nitty Gritty to fulfill their desires.
Of course, should neither situation come to pass, no need to fret; you’ll still look good either way, especially for all of those theme parties like the one Apocalypse Brew Works on 1612 Mellwood Ave. will have tomorrow. You can even combine the two divergent styles however you see fit, which would be no different than what you would do on Friday night, anyway.
Oh! If you need a soundtrack for your own Mayan apocalypse party, head over to my fashion blog, where I've selected five songs for your consideration. Stay safe, stay sane.
Photos: Dimitry Saparov/Shutterstock.com and Anton Oparin/Shutterstock.com.
