Despite a new downtown arena scheduled to open for the University of Louisville men's basketball team next season, head coach Richard Patrino has decided to leave his post for greener coaching pastures — putt-putt greens at Farnsley Middle School, that is.
The contract to coach the Farnsley putt-putt club will pay Patrino $40 every other month. This comes just days after Patrino, 70-ish?, agreed to a $4 billion U of L extension through 2070, when medical technology is expected to be advanced enough to allow college coaches to age backwards. The money the U of L contract would have paid Patrino will go toward building bridges from Louisville to every other major metropolitan city in the country.
No replacement coaches for Patrino at U of L are known. When asked for a comment, U of L athletic director God tweeted: "back 2 the drawing board. u would think i would have seen this one coming."
"The University of Louisville was always good to me," Patrino said. "But coaching putt-putt has always been my dream. More so than going to the Final Four. More so than coaching the Boston Celtics. Besides, putt-putt and basketball aren't that different — put the ball in the hole in as few strokes as possible. I'd like to add that this should be the smartest team I've coached."
In a statement, U of L's president said, "[Sob, sniff, sob]."
During a press conference yesterday from Farnsley's cafeteria, Patrino made the announcement surrounded by his new team, including captain Carol Syphoon. To show his appreciation for the open arms with which his new team embraced him, he bought them all chicken nuggets and an extra carton of milk. "Yeah, it's 2 percent milk," Patrino said. "We're trying to bulk up a bit."
One reporter asked what Patrino's hopes were for the upcoming season, and the coach predicted a Big East title. The reporter assured Patrino that Farnsley Middle putt-putt wasn't in the Big East. "I'm going to have to consult fifth-grade teacher Mrs. CaliPrarie on that. Next question," Patrino said, running a hand through his mane. "Man, I wear a lot of hair product."
Syphoon, for her part, is excited that Patrino's private jet will be able to take the team home from practice. "I don't know who this guy is," she said, "but now my mom doesn't have to leave work early to come and pick me up."
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