Not going over the river and through the woods? Are you eating for one this year? Does your dining budget and subsequent choice of Thanksgiving meal evoke cultural disdain or possibly sacrilege?

Here we explore random holiday tricks and tips gleaned from the lives of starving artists, the distance-challenged offspring, professional bachelors of the non-cooking variety or assorted craven folk who just plain want to avoid any sort of holiday tradition that requires more money or Zoloft than you can afford.

Whether Thanksgiving requires only a can opener and a corkscrew or “features” Birds-Eye and Swanson, and maybe some goodies from Williams-Sonoma, you can make the day your very own. If you’re going solo and/or breaking tradition, you still have something to be thankful for. That is, you can call the shots this Thursday.

All Dressed Up and …
Hey, isn’t that ol’ Myles Standish, famed leader of the Pilgrims, in the express lane? Sure is, and what does he have? Mmmmm, green Jello, walnuts, sour cream. Oh, lord, say it isn’t so! A Waldorf salad? Not what a guy on his own would want to whip up for a Thursday afternoon dinner.

Since that first meal in 1621, scurvy is almost nonexistent, but bad recipes last forever. My god, man, put your musket away and headest thee to the meat department for one of those newfangled boneless turkeys. It’s a perfect feast, overstuffed and no spine. Costs more, wastes less. Drawback, no wishbone to pull. Then again, if you’re alone, who cares?

Other meats? Spam. How could we forget? While its cult profile may have waned a bit in recent years, there are folks in Hawaii and in the U.S. military who get Spam every day and are glad of it. But making it a Thanksgiving staple takes it to new heights. After letting it sit out and warm up, perhaps sculpting a turkey would be festive.

And there’s White Castle. Just who would sp/files/storyimages/the holidays there? Locals, people on the road, wanderers, after-hours drunks. Hey, that’s who’s eating there all year-round. Be thankful you aren’t consistently one of them.

But these days, most people opt for convenience, especially when making road trips. With the current sophistication of the gas station, I imagine Speedway, BP and Shell will be busting with holiday dinners from the fridge and from under orange heat lamps. They’ll have a whole feast at special mark-up prices, including Oscar Mayer deli slices, StoveTop Stuffing, eggnog, Hostess cherry pies and beer. Lots of beer. Fill your car, touch your heart.

And we stop here to consider the vegetarians and vegans. This is your day to shine. No animal death, human guilt or a fine print label list of toxins, dyes, drugs or carcinogens digested. If you are doing your own thing, you won’t have to sweat not fitting into the picture with a carved, headless beast at the table. You guys can dress a salad, prepare some tofu and leave the cows and birds out of this.

Plymouth on the Rocks and Other Non-Puritan Libations
What in heaven’s name goes with a 29-cent pack of Top Ramen noodles? Local budget crunchers prefer a light yet frisky brew, a sixer of Rolling Rock, hovering ’round the $5 price tag. For that ultimate dessert wine, we suggest a visit to our sensible French friend, Georges Duboeuf, for a Beaujolais nouveau, or a crisp chardonnay or bloody merlot. For minimum spendage of $7, you polish off the bottle yourself and — voila — /files/storyimages/up with a spiffy floral design vase or candleholder.

How to Make a Moose Float
So what if there’s no women bustling ’round the oven or men flexing their gridiron smarts in the den. You can find entertainment even without the kids around sticking fingers in pies or electrical sockets. Most anyone, from boomers and hippies on, tune into the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Its 1924 debut entertained more than 10,000 people and began by featuring a line-up of elephants, camels and monkeys. Over time — and several grinning television anchors later — the participants who draw the greatest swell of applause are Rudy Giuliani, the New York City Fire Department and the troops of poop-scoopers behind the equestrian units.

As I grew older, I didn’t see the traditional Macy’s parade as a magical moment that kicked off the holidays, but I did find that live TV can offer unexpected drama, or a reality show of a different stripe, as it were. One Thursday morning I witnessed the three-story-high Underdog balloon — or was it a Rocky or Bullwinkle? — become entangled in high tension wires. Other times I saw both Spiderman and Bugs Bunny deflate, rip open and try to fling a handler and their ropes into outer space. One must realize that any orchestration of live music and animals, B-list celebrities, helium and cold temperatures is an equation for potential disaster and can inspire something akin to the enthusiasm induced by the wafting kitchen scents of baking rolls and turkey.

Food on Film
Movies can mollify many of us, so put down the fork and pick up the remote. Thanksgiving makes grist for “The Ice Storm,” “Home for the Holidays,” “Hannah and Her Sisters,” “What’s Cooking,” “The House of Yes,” “The Straight Story,” “Planes Trains and Automobiles” and “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,” some of my personal favorites. At the top of this celluloid menu is a fast-rising Thanksgiving alt-classic (proving holiday cinema is at its best and you at your worst): In Peter Hedge’s “Pieces of April,” plans fall apart like warm meat from the bone. In the story, April’s problems don’t seem like they’ll ever disappear — but they do.

Left Alone vs Leftovers
While living in Los Angeles, I played band marm to many a holiday orphaned musician. In the chilling upper 60 temps, we’d crank up the central air and the oven simultaneously to fog the windows, thusly creating a cozy seasonal myth of a Kentucky Thanksgiving. So, no matter where you are and who you are with or without, get creative and go for it.

Also, remember to cherish the leftovers (coming — from somewhere) and get your economy size jar of mayo . (Miracle Whip is of the devil, by the by.) Don’t forget to reheat leftovers at a low temp and watch soap operas on Friday, when all the characters drop their hatchets for a day and the starlets actually eat.

In the end, be thankful every time you complain to someone at some point during the rest of the year that you “have too much on your plate.” As it is true, so it is good. And in the words of the late, great Warren Zevon, make sure you “Enjoy Every Sandwich.”