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    1. The Hype

    It’s the closest thing this city has to an identity, and I think Louisville is way cooler than just a two-minute horse race, seersucker and alcohol poisoning.


    2. Thunder

    I’m terrified by fireworks, so Thunder Over Louisville is my nightmare. And if that giant Ferris wheel becomes a regular Derby thing, I will hate that too. Because I’m super terrified of heights. So if someone wants to kill me and make it look like natural causes, put me on that wheel during Thunder. Guaranteed heart attack.


    3. The Danger

    Read up on the safety of horse racing. I’m an anxious human being, and tiny humans balancing on the backs of powerful horses that can die if an ankle breaks is too much for me.


    4. The Fawning Over Celebs

    On Derby day and at the pre-Derby parties, local media effusively report on “celebrities." I have to believe the excitement over Kid Rock and Johnny Knoxville is disingenuous, right?  


    5. The Sleaze

    On Oaks night a couple years back, I watched an incredibly drunk woman at a bar get manhandled by two middle-aged men with slick-backed hair and bloated guts. I tried to intervene, offering to call her a cab as she wobbled over a sink in the bathroom. But she opted to go in a cab with the scummy two. The driver of that cab handed this threesome a wine bottle as they drove off. I can’t help but think of all the questionable decisions people will make in Louisville this weekend. Be safe, kids.


    Cover photo by Mickie Winters

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