LouLife [1]

16. Niki Taylor—Made People's 50 Most Beautiful People list. In 1991.

15. Bode Miller—Ranks second in people we'd like to party with at Derby (top honor goes to Kate Upton).

14. Lindsey Vonn—Would've ranked higher if it were a Winter Olympics year, but alas downhill skiing has another two years before we care about it again.

13. David Arquette—Any respect I had for him after his post-breakup calls to Howard Stern, bemoaning his lack of a sex life with ex-wife Courteney Cox, was lost when he signed on to Dancing with the Stars (possibly the only venue with a more liberal interpretation of celebrity than Derby).

12. Fred Willard—The most hotly debated ranking on the list amongst my colleagues. But do you know how much he can bench press? Truly among the best in this show.

11. Ice T—Crafted one of the all-time greatest Tweets [4].

10. Darryl McDaniels—It doesn't matter that he's a Derby staple who hasn't done much of note in the last decade. He's D.M.C. and I was a suburban white kid in the 1980s. "How'd ya do it Dee?"

9. Miranda Lambert—The country music star graciously gave us an interview [5] and we're easily won over.

8. Erin Andrews—Stare at her long enough and she resembles Sam the Eagle.

7. Aaron Rodgers—AP Male Athlete of the Year in 2011, which isn't that far off from 2012.

6. Andre Agassi—Behind his wife, but hopefully he enjoys that view.

5. Steffi Graf—Possibly the best player ever in her sport, but alas that sport is women's tennis.

4. Kellan Lutz—A normally frigid female colleague yelled out, "I would tap his Twilight ass!" when she heard he was coming.

3. Kate Upton—Does the 2011 and 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model merit this high a ranking? I had to Google her to find out who she was, so I might just be overcompensating (or trying not to catch gay).

2. Tom Brady—Giselle's dress-up doll is well versed in finishing a close second (please don't yell at me Gisselle).

1. Ashton Kutcher—Admittedly just a half man, but to be the top ranked Derby celeb, that's all it takes.

Photo: Top—Sara Lewis. Bottom—IMDB/Spread...and Blingee.