Expect Delays on the Sherman Minton Bridge this evening due to yet another case of mutated tentacled monsters devouring cars as they cross the Ohio River.
The Bridge Authority increased the threat level from Yellow (danger to pedestrians, bicyclists, and Smart Cars) to Orange (danger to Japanese manufactured cars) after a seventy foot long tentacle pulled a Toyota Echo into the watery deep. Passage is still safe for anyone driving a Ford pickup truck and most American made SUV's, although Ford Focus drivers should only proceed with caution.
"I was drawn to the Indiana side of the river by the great housing costs and small town atmosphere within sight of Louisville's downtown," said resident Bonnie Jenkins, "But I didn't realize how much I'd have to spend on mounting grenade launchers and flame throwers onto my F-150. It's worth it, though. Last week, I saw one of those calamari creatures snatch a Honda Fit that was only armed with a machine gun."